There's the Meaning

There are some thoughts, feelings, perspectives which simply cannot be understood without experiencing them ourselves first hand. While we can empathize, imagine, visualize or be moved by hearing someone else's experience, there’s an altering of self that happens at a different level when it’s us in it, really getting it.

We call them life experiences.

Transformative moments = where something shifts in such a way that we suddenly view the world, define things, and understand ourselves differently from that moment forward...

Experiencing true love. 

Realizing you've made it through something you know could've taken you down.

Watching the birth of a baby. 

Watching a person die. 

Standing in a place where atrocity happened, and feeling the energy of it, still there. 

Feeling someone give to you unconditionally with no expectation of reciprocation. 

Feeling true heartbreak. 

Becoming a parent.  

Having to bury someone you love. 

Seeing true talent or beauty in yourself you’ve never been able to see before. 

Running to a bomb shelter as an incoming rocket approaches. 

True, deep connection with another person. 

Confronting a crippling fear.

Going full out to your limit, then pushing beyond it, more than what you thought you had in you. 

Being diagnosed with cancer. 

Looking out above the cloud line and the world, from a mountain you just climbed. 

Having a life-or-death near miss.

I’ve experienced most of these, and those I haven’t, people way too close to me have. While I haven't had to run for for my life, taking cover from a rocket, recently, with heart racing, I sent loved ones strength as they did halfway across the world. I can't feel what they felt, in it... they'll never see their own lifestyle’s peace the same way again. Yet, while they will actually feel that contrast for the rest of their lives, the empathy that allows me to attempt that understanding is what ultimately connects us as humanity. 

I do not have cancer now, yet my life reracked itself when I did get diagnosed with it. Contained to a tumor, I had ten weeks leading up to my surgery to get my head around it. I continued to focus on the positive and possible (as I do) in my work, choices and interactions- clearer and more focused than ever before about the impact I’m making, suddenly more urgent.  I experienced emotions I’d never felt before. I undertook a very internal process of definition, redefinition and brutally-awake consciousness about every part of my life. It was scary and intense... and completely clarifying. By the time I headed to surgery I was clear, strong, grateful and certain I'd gotten learning I needed to get, having reached a level of deep self-clarity in those 10 weeks that only going through a transformative, reflective process can bring.  I wasn’t concerned, certain that I was done with it, that cancer was not going to be part of my life or definition. In the end, that tumor was benign. As the surgeon told me the news two days after surgery, it was anti-climactic. Not because I wasn’t grateful to be cancer-free (I was and am), but because I had already been changed by it, gotten the shift, gone through the process and was on my way forward, different. 

Seemingly opposite, yet similarly, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro changed the way I see myself in relation to the world. More about that here; it will forever be with me in the way I look at our human strength and fragility, our place in the universe, and what happens when we are fully present.  

I could elaborate similarly with the long version of every experience in that list above, and I'm happy to share any of them with you next time we meet. I'll ask you about yours, too, because in both the telling and listening of them, we start to truly understand the layers of ourselves and one another. 

Each life experience holds a power beyond the way we see things just in those moments... they change the scaffolding of our thinking and feeling, permeate how our reality is created, how our thoughts connect and how our meaning is made. The world we experience is actually different, because we are different in it. The lens through which we see everything is colored by it, and, like wearing sunglasses for a long time, we don’t even notice the tint after awhile.

While these experiences range from devastating to truly inspiring, and somewhat minor to stop-you-dead-in-your-tracks major, they represent the whole spectrum of living fully. I believe there are no accidents in my own life or any of our lives... not because I believe it’s all predetermined, but rather that it’s all cumulative. All that happens is a setup for everything else; how we got to here- seeing, hearing, feeling and interpreting the world the way we uniquely do. Everything I’ve experienced up until this moment defines how I take on, fully experience, or altogether miss the next moment after it. If I’m paying attention, that definition can be enlighteningly profound along the way. If I’m not, I might not see the nuances of impact until years later when I reflect on the patterns of my life or miss them completely as many do.

I’m convinced that capturing, learning from and calling back these moments of our definition is literally what makes the meaning of life. It’s the difference between being a passenger on the ride or actually defining the path. 

I live, think, coach, teach, advise and facilitate in the world calling attention and bringing perspective to moments, shifts, experiences as learning to define ourselves forward. There are so many more moments of shift possible (or even occurring) than we acknowledge. While I admittedly look for them all the time and often find the most insight in the least-obvious moments of life... I believe there’s an opportunity here for most of us to be paying more attention. 

While big news and big life experiences are dramatic and get our attention, are we getting the meaning in them, let alone the smaller ones occurring every day? Rather than plowing through them to get to the other side (especially tempting if they're high in adrenaline or discomfort)- how can we really get what's possible from them to grow forward with awareness?

More moments than we think, could mean something. Each one could further define who we are, and life as we know it. Each one shared or truly heard is an opportunity to truly connect. Let's.

Here are some key ways to tune in, capture and really get to the meaning in your moments…

Give yourself space. 

There’s enormous power in perspective, which is hard to get when you’re fully immersed in it. Pull yourself up and out for a few precious minutes or an hour or a regular practice. Like looking back down on the earth from an airplane window, it’s amazing how you can see it all with just a little space between you and it. This happens in just being still without input or noise or screens or interaction, in meditation, in just stepping away from the fray for awhile. 

If you don’t have an airplane window nearby, try this: 

 https://www.headspace.com/ Andy Puddicome has brilliantly created a way for you to understand, try and even develop a simple practice of meditating that anyone can do anywhere. It's very straightforward yet casual, it only takes 10 minutes, and his animations of how/why meditation really works demystify it better than any I've seen. And- the phone app is awesome- I use it all the time.  

Reflect on it. 

Go back over it, allowing yourself to feel, think, respond and ultimately grow from it. What happened? What did you see? What feelings came up? What can you learn from it? What do you want to do with it going forward. 

Create planned, deliberate pauses at the ends of time blocks to debrief and process the growth you can't see when you're in it every day. Your birthday, a new year, a work anniversary, your kids' birthday, quarterly, monthly, etc.

My favorite reflective process- it only happens once a year, but can get you mega-started:

http://www.doyou10q.com/  This awesome process only happens yearly, but is worth the wait. It gives you one big question per day for ten consecutive days to answer- about you and your last year. You can store your answers in their vault, completely private or share them out. Either way, they send those answers BACK to you a year later, when you do the process again. Definitely get going with your own reflection process meanwhile, but do this one as well!

Journal it. 

This is not about being a writer or even writing every day, unless it’s helpful to you. It is about just capturing whatever’s there in your head, heart and experience so you don’t lose it. It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else, and can just be notes. Whatever you’re feeling, thinking, noticing, wondering- capture it.  If you know that writing is actually an outlet for your, give yourself the necessary time and space to just write, regularly. Either way, you’ll find that thoughts made concrete into words on a screen or page will find their way to meaning and your growth in a way they just can’t swirling around in your head. 

My favorite tools:

http://www.ommwriter.com/ is a great app which gets rid of all distraction as you write. You can pick from a couple of cool background sounds, screens and typefaces, and it brings you into your own private world in which to write. I've productively lost myself there for long stretches. :)

http://280daily.com/ is awesome because it takes all the pressure off- no need to write a big long entry. In fact you have to pay a little monthly to have your entries go over 280 characters (worth it to me). It's great for capturing where you are, the essence of your experience or musings which you're not ready to write out into a whole piece. One of my favorite features is being able to look at my last several entries in a cloud format- sort of a mind map of one's mind.

Process it. 

Working through my own experiences, challenges and musings toward clarity- via true process with my own coach/es is an invaluable piece of it all to me. Of course I'm biased as a coach myself, yet I truly believe it's the best investment a person can make in personal health and growth.  No matter how evolved we become, there is still nothing more powerful than someone outside our own heads who can get it, see the openings and meaning we can’t and help facilitate the path forward. 

Of course I'd love to work with you if I'm not already, so here's that link. Or, here are some more resources for my own coaches (all a bit different than my coaching approach) and their process which have made all the difference:

http://theclearingsight.com OR http://aclc.us  Both of these sites are resources for clearing work, which I have found to be clutch with two of the coaches you'll find there- Jayne Johnson and Ceil Stanford. Any problem or challenge will resolve when you see it fully and clearly, and Clearing is a process that allows you to look objectively so that the answers, within you already, come to you easily and quickly. It is not a technique to help you manage, control or cope- clearing work clears the issue out fully and permanently.  

http://www.blairsinger.com is a master. He has inspired and coached hundreds of thousands of people past the little voices in our heads, past what we thought was possible to true greatness, full-out mastery and remarkable impact in the world. He has been my mentor, coach and most pivotal influence to growth for most of my life. Put yourself in one of his programs and take yourself on. And follow him leading groups up Kili!

http://thinkwellbewell.com/coaching/ Whitney Demorest is expert in reading energy, and helping people get to a place of emotional clarity. She practices and teaches EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), which is an great method for alleviating emotional blocks. 

http://www.integratedcoaching.org/?p=1970 Dr. MJ Jiaras brings an awesome background as a clinical psychologist AND a coach, getting leaders to their core strengths and impact. He and his team are stellar.

Share it. 

This is where we get to chance to have that deep true connection with people. We spend so much energy on how different we are from one another, and can be splintered from it. Yet we are truly moved in the moments when we can connect with one another as so very much the same, as feeling, thinking, reacting humans. We’re all seeking connection at some level. This is where it begins. Start to truly share where you are, the moments that count, and what life stirs in you... and you’ll quickly find the people who you can connect with in a true, meaningful way. This is easy for some and hard for others, yet the very portal for understanding and human connection. Push yourself to actually go there. 

As you head back into your life from reading this piece, look, listen, feel and share with a different awareness. Big and small, your moments are happening, and could be the very catalysts for your next trajectory, big insight or ignited relationship. Skip the smalltalk, and go for the layers. 

There is the meaning. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

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The original version of this post was written in 2014, and it's just been updated 6/19/18. While the list has shifted a bit, and more insights added, the lessons are timeless and maybe even more poignant right now than ever before. I welcome your thoughts, your feedback, and YOUR moments of shift. 

 

Where To Look

THIS IS one of 2 POSTS FROM MY CLIMB UP MT. KILIMANJARO, AND the TRANSFORMATIVE PERSPECTIVE THAT CAME IN THOSE DAYS ABOVE THE CLOUDLINE. A BIT DIFFERENT THAN MY TYPICAL POSTS, THESE LESSONS FROM UP THERE ILLUMINATE AN ELEVATED LIFE DOWN HERE. 

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Mt. Kilimanjaro, from 4 different views

Check out these ^ four photos I took of Mt. Kilimanjaro. These different views of that mountain represent both the biggest challenge and the biggest revelations I got while climbing it. They also illustrate a few of the most profound shifts high achievers might need to make, to realize true impact every day.

Set to conquer a mountain(?)

As someone who runs best with a focal point on the horizon, likes being physically pushed to my limit, and is most motivated when I have a significant challenge to overcome… I knew I had the right mental ingredients for climbing one of the 7 summits like Mt. Kilimanjaro, right? Yes, partly. 

Yes, because the few people on the planet who actually climb Kili (the tallest freestanding mountain in the world), are people wired to conquer things. Like me, they venture to Kili to accomplish it, to crush it– not just go on a hiking trip. The months of training, the challenge of strength over elements, the mindgame of staying motivated through the long, slow trek… is all fueled by a goal:  to say afterward, “I climbed that mountain.” 

In that way, I was mentally set. 

The majestic Kili, from a hour's drive away.

I took this ^ photo of Kili the day before the climb from an hour’s drive away, her summit clear and inspiring. It matched part of the imagined picture I’d had for years of climbing a mountain: tiny little me, looking up to that gleaming, snowcapped summit, pushing myself, digging deep, motivated by the focal point of the ultimate peak. I just needed to get myself onto that edge between mountain and sky, scaling right up. 

Yeah, no. Within the first five minutes of the 6-day climb, that simplistic image I’d carried for so long was quashed. There was no focal point. Once we were actually on Kili, that view of the top disappeared; the trail up the mountain actually weaves around it as it snakes up, and the first glimpse of the summit doesn’t even appear until you’re almost finished, five days into it, 17,000 vertical feet up. My operating view and mental plan for how I conquer anything was busted, five minutes in.

Yet, it still took climbing that whole mountain for me to literally turn my perspective around. Here’s how… 

Phase One shift: Right here.

Surrounded by rainforest at the start, we reoriented to the immediate path ahead vs. the destination. Without a visible goal (or even horizon) for 90% of the ascent, our leaders redirected us continuously to stay present; our daily briefings and constant team huddles focused on that day only, never how much more there was to go. The journey was segmented into one and two-hour pushes on our way to each night’s new camp, every one a separate feat in itself as our self-monitoring shifted into high gear to adapt to the changing microclimates, diminishing oxygen, altitude reactions in our bodies, and steepening terrain.

One of many types of terrain as the trail weaves up Kili.

From dense rainforest to moon-like, rocky terrain of that ancient volcano crater, plus 70 degree temperature swings within hours, plus elevation increasing continually… success meant we had to pay attention to small details in our bodies; breathing patterns, water intake, pulse ox levels, body temperature, hot spots on our feet which could turn into blisters… any of which could be gamechangers without vigilant attention and constant adjustment. We took in that giant, ever-changing mountain in micro-decisions, yards, and inches at a time, our only consistent focal point being one another.  Our attention was moving, from future to present. Internally, while we each started up that mountain with our own purpose, new realizations and reflections surfaced daily as we climbed with new self-awareness. Nightly team debriefs were rich and with layers of those emerging insights, as we shared what each day’s journey sparked.   

Each day, by reflex, I often went to the front of our line in the team, fired up to help lead the pace, a familiar and energizing spot for me. Yet after hours and hours of that forward-focus, I sensed that I was somehow missing something. I tried other spots in our line, and a cool thing happened…  I started paying more attention to everything around me instead of ahead of me. Moment by moment, fully absorbing, I became blown away by every detail I would’ve normally powered right past. I called things out to my team, like, “Guys- do you smell that- the air just changed!” and “Do you see this flower? It doesn’t exist down at ground level!” I started connecting differently, too– with myself and with teammates; deeply personal conversations unfolded even with oxygen depleting, mixed with intensely self-reflective quiet stretches as we climbed in rhythm, pushed ourselves from the inside out, removed from the rest of the world, our presence in the moment. Time seemed suspended, about being in it, rather than getting through it to get to the next thing. Our focus had completely shifted– from out there to right here.

Phase Two: Look Down. (the reality of climbing a mountain) 

Even if it were possible, my naive image of visually focusing up and out isn’t even safe on a climb like Kili’s. The path changes all the time– usually steep and rocky, then tricky, then slippery, and physically challenging (sometimes walking, sometimes rock climbing)… so the higher we got, the more we needed to look down to accurately choose each step.

Choosing the next step when every option is a loose rock, on a steep incline

One bad foot placement could mean an injury that slows the whole team down (and changes the whole trip for you), and extraneous steps wasted precious, limited energy, needed as each effort became more difficult as altitude increased. As the trail intensified and the exertion required of every step increased, that image I’d carried for months of looking up to the peak was replaced with intent micro-focus down on what I was doing inch by inch, step by step; scanning for the next solid rock, watching my teammate’s boots in front of me, following their lead. For hours. And days… Conquering this mountain had taken another shift; focus from up to down, on every next step. 

Phase Three: Looking back. 

Our brains need to see progress to register accomplishment. We’re conditioned to measure it physically in distance, miles or steps with our fitness tracking watches and devices, yet normal metrics didn’t really apply up there. Every step we took was uphill, even though our motion was mostly “walking.” Walking seems like a linear activity, yet our progress was not. Think of climbing a giant staircase, but measuring the accomplishment of it only in the distance of the few feet it would take if you laid the staircase out flat. That’s what our brains were trying to do as we walked (climbed) and walked (climbed). It felt like barely any advancement as we trekked, our brains so focused on forward vs vertical progress. Yet our linear feet and steps were actually irrelevant. The vertical feet we climbed each day, however were staggering. We were actually rising quickly, yet with focus down on the path itself and choosing individual steps, it was imperceptible, and could’ve been really easy to miss. At breaks we’d pause, and see our progress in the height we were gaining above the clouds behind us. I was surprised every time. 

So, I started turning around, to look back over my shoulder...

Turning AROUND to see how far we've come, above the clouds...

I was blown away. That simple pivot from looking forward to looking back changed it all; like Powers of 10, the vantage point from the rest of Earth that we were embodying was expanding, seemingly exponentially. Every view back over my shoulder clarified our progress and accomplishment instantly, capturing how high we’d ascended even in an hour.

So, yet again, my entire orientation for motivation was altered… watching our  progression grow exponentially as we climbed, my focus of inspiration behind us.

I kept yelling, “Guys!!! Look behind us- check out what we just did!!!”…and we’d revel in awe of what we were accomplishing with each push. I started placing myself intentionally in the back of the line more often, eager to look over my shoulder at our quickly-changing progress. 

This was an epiphany for me… leaning into the climb, progress felt incremental, yet in turning around it seemed accelerated. Those pauses to get mental snapshots of everchanging perspective of the world we’d climbed, increasingly spread out below us, were moments of exhilarating pride and true wonderment I’ll carry with me forever. 

By 17,500 feet on day 6, just 2 hours before reaching the summit, the altitude sickness I’d been battling worsened, making it dangerous for me to go any further (punctuated by a guy dying on that same trail a week earlier with the same symptoms I had). Yet, because my perspective had shifted so radically, when my leaders turned me back so close to summiting, I was weirdly okay with it. With six days and 17,500 vertical feet of epiphanic pinnacles above the world at that point, to somehow define the success of the whole journey by a single 2 hour, 1500 ft segment of it to a sign planted at the top, seemed that it would be missing the point. I’d already gotten what mattered. Climbing to that otherworld reality, truly perched above the world on my own power, fully absorbing every step and nuance of living in that sky more vast than anything I’d experienced on the planet before… I got it. I climbed Kili, I got her epic gift of perspective. I was transformed, and I was complete.  

Kili Lesson #3: (lessons 1 & 2 here): Progress is only visible with a shift in perspective.

I never would’ve believed that I, the most forward-looking person I know, would come away from Mt. Kilimanjaro with wins defined by shifting my perspective from future to present, up to down, forward to back.

I coach leaders to expand their ability to influence by tapping into their team’s core motivation as they lead. Research shows us that our #1  motivator is mastery, our internal sense of “I’m making progress forward.” We crave and revel in the mastery of accomplishment or expertise, yet the more we achieve, the less time it takes for the satisfaction of accomplishment to give way to restlessness, then a resetting of focus forward on the next “mountain” to conquer. One of the biggest challenges for driven achievers (as it was for me on Kili) is becoming so focused on what has yet to be conquered that they miss (or dismiss) the progress of impact they and their teams are actually making on the way. Turning around to see it feels like losing momentum, yet it’s the only thing that gets our human brains to actually register the vertical distance we’ve come, the progress the team has made. 

Down Here: Many of the “climbs” that you and your team are on every day are actually more like Kili than they aren’t– the destination is far and often not visible from where you are, the trek can feel slow and laborious. And we’re often thinking about linear distance instead of vertical. For high achievers like us, you know that your instinct (like mine) might always be to look ahead to the horizon and goal. That’s awesome, and part of what makes us great trailblazers and leaders. Yet it also means that this vital practice of pausing, turning around to see and call out your progress is less intuitive, and needs prompting. 

So, try this: 

• Huddle the team together regularly to call out wins, steps forward, and progress. (“what we can say/do/activate now which we couldn’t do a month ago?” “What/who have we impacted in the last week/month? What are the signs?”) Bonus: have each person capture their callout on a post-it note. Those notes can be kept in their space as boosts of motivation, or…

• Get a progress wall up in your shared space, and chart those ^ callouts of progress regularly (weekly, monthly, quarterly).

• Meet with your team individually and often, and have them finish prompts like these:

  • 1 moment that’s occurred recently, which tells me we’re making impact…

  • Since we’ve started, we now have the ability to…

  • We’ve made progress by…

Every single time I push a leader to counterintuitively do this pausing-to-turn-around-and-see-progress for themselves or with their team, they report significant results; people become inspired, proud, and usually surprised by how far they’ve come in progress from where they began, ultimately re-energized, refocused and motivated anew to take on the climb from there. 

Kili Lesson #4:  With total focus on the final destination, we can miss the best, most meaningful parts.

It turns out that “It’s the journey, not the destination.” isn’t just a cliche. Looking forward accelerates us, yet we can easily miss both the progress and the full, layered experience on the way by doing so. 

We focus on the summit as it, because it’s the benchmark that’s most obvious, visible and measurable. Research now shows us that in many cases, this very finish-line focus actually helps us to outperform others who are less focused on the goal. There’s a cost, however.  If I’d have kept that summit-only focus, I’d have not only been crushed by having to turn around, but even worse- I’d have missed the awe of the singular moments, challenges, feats and meaning only possible in looking around, and being fully present throughout the journey. Those moments are vivid to me even now, 18 months later, and what created the most profound impressions of the whole journey– in my thinking, my connection, my self-concept, and my orientation to the world.

This happens all the time- we are so busy focusing on one aspect, that we miss something which could’ve changed everything, if only we’d have shifted our gaze a bit. This It’s a key to what makes most high-achieving leaders so successful, but there’s a cost. Left to those instincts alone, they and their teams miss a lot: insights of growth, the small wins that make all the difference in the team’s momentum and confidence, key learnings that could shift everything for bigger impact, moments of meaning which bring teams together or make it all worth it in the end.

Down Here: What if, in your intently high-achieving, visionary focus, you’re actually looking at the wrong thing in a key moment for your team and for you?  Check yourself as a leader. What are you defining as the summit, and how singularly focused on it are you? What would happen if your focus shifted from out there to right here, from up to down to the next step’s footing a bit more… and stayed there long enough to get the insights available only from that shift perspective?  

As counterintuitive as this may feel, I guarantee you’ll catch a detail, a view, an insight, a moment that’s critical and maybe even gamechanging to the success of your journey, which you’d have missed otherwise.

While few of us ever focus only in one place permanently, we know that effectiveness means being able to accurately assess the whole picture, toggling between long-range goal, in-the-moment experience, and so-far progress. Kili clearly exaggerates this point. This isn’t about changing who you are. Keep that eye-on-the-prize focus; it’s what makes you a gamechanger, yet… expand your range. It took a mountain to truly expand mine, yet you can create intentional moments to purposefully shift your gaze and awareness to here, the next step, and the nuances of meaning… right now. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2017

Watch What Happens When You Step Just 5 Feet Away

It's time! A single, simple exercise to get yourself in perspective, which happens only once every year, starting tomorrow. Disclaimer: Today I bring a straight-up GO TRY THIS message for what I believe is the best perspective-bringing exercises you can do for yourself this year, creating space in your head, insight in the fray and connection of the dots. And, I suggest this every year. So, if this looks familiar, it should, because it's TIME!

First the why...

I tout “Debrief early and often,” in coaching teams and individuals because reflection is the single-most-powerful tool any of us have at any moment to gain perspective and insight into ourselves. It’s the core of what I help people do through coaching… pause, step back from yourself, and let's see what's there which you couldn't see before. 

It's that perspective thing- all about your position in relation to what’s going on. 

The more something's obscured from your view, the more angst it causes, as our brains keep trying to fill in the missing pieces to make meaning- but with too little information. We do this all the time- make meaning from something with only what we can see right in front of us, and end up with a skewed version of what's real (the brain usually goes negative and fills in with our old stories, but that's for another day). The more you can see something completely, the more you can understand it and respond to it intelligently.

Like being stuck in a traffic jam...

The worst… You’re in it, behind the wheel, frustrated.. you’re have no perspective on what’s happening. Because you’re stuck literally without any way to see or understand what's happening or find any possible ways out of it, you get more upset, and it cycles. Zero perspective, maddening.

Better… Get out of your car, get to the side of the road and look from standing height- over the cars. Now you have a little visibility, can see more of how far ahead things are backed up, possibly even see what the issue is. I’ve done this in a traffic jam, and was amazed by how a little sightline made such a difference in my outlook.

Much better… Step away from the road 50 feet or so to look ahead. Now you can really see more of what’s going on, how big it is, if anyone’s doing anything about it, what exits might be available. You can predict outcomes and options, and form a plan.

The best… Get up into that traffic helicopter to be able to really get the whole picture from a distance- the patterns, the causes, the magnitude, and where your little part is in it all. Finally, you have full vision of what’s really going on because you’re removed enough from it, and can make informed decisions about what to do next. I imagine being able to do this as I sit in traffic jams. 

While we may not actually be able to do this during rush hour, we can do it in life jams… 

First identify your position, then move to where you can get perspective and see more than what's too close to you.

How far in this situation am I to even be able to see what’s happening accurately? Behind the wheel? In the back seat (unable to see or steer)? On the side of the road? Stepped back from it with distance? Or up above it all, looking down? Most of the time when it's a moment of upset, we're stuck square behind the wheel, too far in it and way too close to see what to do about it.

Call it- actually label your position in the situation ("behind the wheel- I'm really mad and can't see a thing").

Own it. Get honest about your own role in what's occuring/ed, including your response. Then you can do something about it. Like... 

Move to a different position- which changes everything about your perspective, in what you can see, understand and begin to make meaning from accurately. This is key, and it's also why talking with someone else, journaling, getting coaching and debriefing early and often… all make a huge difference; they force you to step away from the car, and get enough of a vantage point to be able to describe what's going on. Just open the door and stand up, outside the car... And suddenly you can breathe more fully, see the horizon, stretch yourself to get blood flowing again and more oxygen to your brain... and perspective opens. 

So… how about getting perspective on the really big picture?

Actually stepping back to get a vantage point on your whole last year?

Totally possible, and actually really profound.

Here's the recommendation part...

I'm always in search of the ultimate experience+process+takeaway after- for myself and for you. 10Q is the best I've ever seen- an elegant, awesome process which facilitates this cool and multi-layered thing easily for you. It gets you to step away from the car and get perspective. Then it gives you the traffic-copter report equivalent for your life. 

I love 10Q more than any other tool I've seen, and it only happens once per year, which is maybe the best part (if it could happen any time it wouldn’t seem as special, right?). Oh- and it's this week.

Starting on Wednesday (but sign up now- all free btw), 10Q will prompt you with one big life question to reflect on as you think about your last year. You write about it in a private portal, and they keep your answer for you. The next day, you get another big question, focusing on a different aspect of your last year. Reflect and write. You do this for 10 questions over 10 days, and then you make a choice- share or vault your answers. You could share them out to the world or 10Q will store them for you in their vault,  just for you (as public as I sometimes am, I love the vault option here). Then the window closes. After the 10th day, you can’t enter anything else in, and don’t have access to the questions anymore. 

And then… in a year, right before 10Q prompts you to pause and reflect again on another year they first send your answers from this year back to you! That’s the distance away from it part, where you get to see where you were, where you are now, and what patterns have emerged.  It’s like opening a time capsule of your own internal process, and incredibly powerful.

And then you get a week to reflect on your own insights from last year.

And then you reflect and do it again.

Brilliant, really.

I am on my seventh year, so I was just sent my answers from the last six years… truly awesome, surreal, and a bit like time travel, seeing patterns through my own reality from my perspective a year ago, or two or six! So this week I’m in the traffic copter above my own life, looking at some illuminating patterns, going back to moments, accomplishments, questions and grapplings- all key, but whose detail and distinction would've otherwise been lost in my memory. They're precious, the highlights of what got me to where I am now, and possibly where I'm going next. 

So this week I’ll step away from my own traffic patterns and reflect again. You?  Let's go...  

Log in here to get set- it starts Sunday, 9/9/18 and closes down for the year on 9/19/18 (if you're seeing this in the 10 days between you can still do it, but it will close on 9/19/18) . https://www.doyou10q.com

©SarahSinger&Co. 2017

The Secret Perk About Gratitude

I never really got gratitude, until I realized that I’d gotten it all along. I would hear people talk about how practicing gratitude made a huge difference in their lives - they were happier and more fulfilled - but I never truly understood how that came about. 

I always thought I was grateful. I give real thank yous, I am [usually] polite, and I mean it. I genuinely appreciate and acknowledge other people and the things I have in life. But I didn’t see how expressing gratitude could be as transformational as people referenced; I didn’t see what was in it for me.

Then, suddenly and by degrees, I experienced a shift, and realized that what I had been calling gratitude was really appreciation (not quite the same thing) - of external things, of situational experiences, of other people. Appreciation expressed as acknowledgment is definitely good (and important), but not exactly true gratitude.  

Acknowledgment is an act, but gratitude is a shift.

And once I learned how to access the shift of gratitude, that thing I never really named became a game-changer in my life.

I thought that those people who spoke so highly of the happiness and fulfillment that comes from gratitude had some sort of special ingredients that I was missing. But it turns out, they don’t. I had all the ingredients in my life for gratitude and you probably do to. The key to gratitude is a matter of shifting your perspective and feeling that important distinction between gratitude and appreciation. 

Here’s what happens…

1. Getting Stopped in Your Tracks Happens

If you’re future-oriented like me, this is huge. In focusing forward on the horizon/goal/next steps there’s momentum and progress, yet what’s what’s right here right now gets missed completely sometimes. For some of us, it takes a forced pause to get present. Sometimes it’s an occurrence- like a near-miss of a giant tree getting blown to the ground but missing you by seconds (actually happened to me the other day). Or losing someone. Or the color of the sky (which caused me to stop midrun to take the photo above). Or an inspiring act of kindness from someone. Sometimes it’s learning something we can’t ignore- like a sobering medical diagnosis. Or a private truth someone confides. Sometimes it’s a relationship- like a friend or loved one in need. Or a bolt of connection you feel with someone you didn’t see coming. These moments force us to pause, get present and pay full attention.

2. Sudden Perspective Happens 

Hearing a story of someone who’s overcome bigger challenges than we have or has found utter joy and success with far less than we have, suddenly we see the things we easily have/do with a new appreciation, right? Feeling human connection, new ease, happiness or love after we once felt struggle, sadness, or loneliness– we get the stark difference in comparison. These moments spotlight the contrast between what is and what could otherwise be.

3. Feeling Significance Happens 

In those moments of connection, pause and contrast, we can be moved, touched or inspired by what is. This takes some mental/emotional openness, and is the game-changer. We can experience a profound moment of a-ha appreciation that fills what normally feels insatiable in a unique way, clearing the lens through which we expect things from the world, allowing us to feel joy. 

Or we can just keep plowing forward, missing or dismissing it. 

This is a choice.

Every Day Happens...

Many days I do get it now- it’s not lost on me, because I've created space for those three things to occur, because I’ve created the practice to give myself a lens through which I am struck by the generosity or beauty or uniqueness or wonder of something or someone. Or the inextricable connection between people, moments and seemingly unrelated occurrences right along with the individuation of them all. These things hit me like a smack in the head (or gut or heart). Wow. Awe. Joy. ..not lost on me.

I could’ve been easily hit by that giant, falling tree the other day, but I wasn’t… not lost on me. I get the lucky, maybe miraculously precise timing of that.

The color of the clouds against the sky as the light changes is beautiful in a way humans can’t replicate… not lost on me. I get the brilliance and utter beauty that inspires me to the core every time.

I was diagnosed with cancer, then 10 weeks of process and a surgery later, I didn’t have cancer…not lost on me. I get the rare opportunity and restart in that.

I have a family of amazing people who communicate, support and are truthful with one another unconditionally... not lost on me. I get the invaluable gift of that.

I have the ability to make a huge difference in people’s lives in a powerful and unique way… not lost on me. I get the bigness and responsibility of that.

So now I get this elusive word, and its secret perk I never understood in those three things happening together...

Being Present + getting Perspective + feeling Significance = [not-lost-on-me] FULFILLMENT....as in filled up in a unique way that brings an unparalleled internal clarity and peace. 

Many days I don’t get it. I get caught up in my head just like you might. I move too fast, focus forward or back too much, and I miss it. Great things might be all around me, and it IS lost on me. I always try to show my appreciation - but gratitude is something I've built practice for so that it doesn’t get lost, and keeps my brain scanning for the good, rather than missing it.

Check out the four steps I use daily, and see what you think. My experience? 10 days of this, and you're looking at life through a different, clarified, beautiful lens...

The Four Steps to Real Gratitude

Meanwhile, take a breath, look around, and get the amazingness in and around you right this second- it's right there. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2015

Of Course You Are.

Something awesome happens. 

Something horrible happens. 

Something we were counting on falls through. 

Something we were sure would never happen actually does. 

Someone or something appears in our life. 

Someone or something goes away in our life. 

Success. 

Failure.

Surprise. 

Connection. 

Disappointment. 

Learning. 

Embarrassment. 

If you’ve talked with me much longer than 20 minutes, especially about any of the above topics, you’ve heard me say something like: 

“There are no accidents.”

"Of course you are." 

“Everything is on purpose.”

“You’re exactly where you need to be.”

“Show me someone who believes in coincidence, and I’ll show you someone who’s not paying attention.”

Those could sound like airy-fairy idealism or some kind of surrender to predestiny, right? 

Not at all, actually.

Yet let me clarify… 

More macro-approach to life than a belief system, there’s a way to pay attention to, interpret and connect the things we experience and their meaning which keeps things moving forward.

While I don’t at all believe that our lives are preset and just playing themselves out, I do think we are part of a massive, multi-layered, universally connected dominoes game all the time, in which every single thing that occurs (including what we do, how we respond, and what we don’t do) causes shift somewhere- whether we see or intend it or not.

The Butterfly effect. Precession. Perturbation… Science shows us how this is occurring in nature all the time, and it’s happening in our own human interactions and reactions, too. 

Call me controlling, but I believe that we determine the results, elements, contents and quality of our lives. I don’t mean that we have control over everything. Of course we don’t. Yet we have more control than we think, and especially of the most important part- how we experience, interpret and are effected by it all. 

While I am optimistic, I actually don’t subscribe to “just believe that it’s all good and it will be all good” thinking- even I think that’s a bit naive. 

Yet when things occur (planned or not, in our control or not), we are presented with a moment of choice. What to think about it? What meaning to assign to it? What response to have or not have? What step to take next? Those choice moments are loaded, and how we choose determines our happiness, struggle and purpose. 

Every time, it’s an opportunity to do a few key things… 

1. Own your impact, trace your steps. 

Concretely: In the most literal interpretation of “no accidents’… we end up in situations and results which we had more to do with causing than we like to admit. While it’s faster and easier to play innocent or assign cause to someone/something else, you’re better than that. While uncomfortable at first, there’s amazing power in clearly, proactively and bravely claiming the path that got you to that moment.  

A funky dynamic with someone? A huge win? A giant fail? A situation you hate or love? 

Call it, Own it, Move on. 

Look honestly and thoroughly at yourself, then call out the role you honestly played in getting yourself to this moment. Then do something about it. 

Owning it this way can be uncomfortable at first, but amazingly empowering after, instilling strength and wisdom that only comes with self-actualization.  Success is not just about luck, nor is failure- rather they are results of your own talent, choices, actions and effort. 

That said, only do this in a way that takes accountability yet doesn’t overblow. If a tragic occurrence happens or an unprovoked perpetration happens, it’s not rational or helpful to put the ownership of that on yourself, so don’t. Move forward to #2. 

Not as concretely: Beyond those visible ripples of our impact, we also have more power than we know in what’s less concrete and traceable- in our focus, intention and energy. When I think about a friend I haven’t spoken to or thought regularly about for years, and they call within moments… When a job opportunity falls through and before it’s even known, a new one lands in your inbox… When you meet a single person in a crowd with whom you instantly and powerfully connect in a rare way… When an athlete visualizes winning in a particular way down to the smallest detail, and then actually does… something’s going on there. The book The Secret was a rage a few years ago because it tapped into a real dynamic in the world- the law of attraction. While I think this is just one piece of what creates the content of our lives, it’s significant. Our presence, attention and energy has impact more potent, constant and far-reaching than just what we say and do; we’re radiating energy all the time. 

So- notice and own the energy you put out into the world and what you attract into your life.

2. Choose your meaning. 

Good and bad are a matter of viewpoint- and actual choices of judgment we can make as we want. 

As humans we are meaning-makers. Something occurs, we make it mean something- this is how we interpret and navigate the world. So moment to moment- what meaning are you making, and is it helpful to you moving forward? In Tap Into Greatness, we explore and redirect some patterns of how your internal voice makes meaning and influences everyone around you. Yet right here, right now- you can shift your perspective...

Since the opposite of accidental is purposeful, choosing to see each moment or occurrence as purposeful flips you instantly from passive to active mode, victim to initiator of what it will cause and create for you.

In my coaching and workshops, when someone shares a revealing truth (like the real issue at hand, or the thorny emotions they’re feeling), my first response is always“Good!” I always clarify, “… not good that you’re feeling that or good that this occurred- but good that we’re getting to the crux of it, so we can make some choices about how to move forward… let’s go!” 

So in a situation you didn’t expect, you can choose to see every one of them as a good thing because even when they’re painful, every one is an opportunity….

…to truly learn something you’ll carry forward, 

…to see something you couldn't before, 

…to choose something you didn’t fully consider before, 

…to broaden or deepen your thinking about something. 

While all of those opportunities when taken are productive, purposeful and keep you consciously choiceful, they’re not always quick, pleasant or fun. Yet every time they’re worth it- because they’re what define your growth as a person- evolving forward on your path different than you were before.

3. See the opening. 

Two of us can look at the same wall and see two different things. You might see the solidity of the wall, while I’ll likely see all the cracks that could be pried into openings, and focus on what’s on the other side. Seeing those cracks, and the potential light coming through them doesn’t mean I have to pry them open, or will even pursue doing so. Yet focusing on what’s past that wall or paths through it opens my thinking, my perspective and my possibility beyond what is obvious in the moment, giving me something I can do something about. That onus of control is key- because seeing the opening puts me into generative vs. limited thinking, focused on making something happen, moving to a different position. Once I see even a crack of light coming through, I can’t experience where I am the same way again, because its limits have been cracked, too. You can, too…

No matter what moment, situation or result you’re in, it’s actually in motion, on it’s way to the next thing- no matter how final or permanent it feels.  

Pause to see a possible purpose. Then ask yourself,  “What’s this on the way to?”  “What is there for me to learn in this moment, which will allow me to create the next one?”  Rigorously push yourself to consider those questions, and your mind will answer them every time. 

---

While you don’t have a crystal ball and it may or may not be all laid out for us…  you do have the enormous power to own your impact, make it mean something that pushes you forward and find the openings through each moment on the way to generating the next. 

So, with the next occurrence that goes exactly how you thought it might... or the one that surprises you completely, remind yourself that there are no accidents- you are in that moment exactly where you need to be to learn, evolve and get something that will shift you as person out of it… if you’re paying attention. 

Of course you are. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2015

What it Stirs in Us…

While crisis stirs fear and all that goes with that, it can also bring out some important things in people.  We suddenly look at our lives and see what really matters- what we’ve got which really counts and what we can give to help others who really need it.

Gratitude…

Tragedy can bring out amazing Gratitude in us. We suddenly take stock, and get how lucky we really are in the great scheme of things. For the last couple of months I’ve been doing a gratitude exercise, in which I reflect and take a minute to capture all that I value and am grateful for… every day. It’s one thing to do this as an isolated reflection or in the wake of a tragedy as many are doing right now – but doing this every day really shifts something about how one sees the world. I highly recommend it. As part of the process, I make a list of ten things I value and am grateful for right now. Two of the things I wrote today were “waking up this morning in health and strength” and “the opportunity to make a difference in the world.” These seem especially poignant today.

Try completing this every day for the next 10 days, and your view of the world will shift, guaranteed. From Alan Walter:

• Goal for today…

• What am I willing to give to others today?

• What 10 things do I value that I am grateful for right now?

• What do I value that another does for me that I am grateful for right now?

• What am I happy about right now?

Empathy…

Yesterday shook up our world again, as Boston went from a scene of celebration to tragedy in a second. The fear of that struck me hard.  In looking at the footage (like other similar events) we see people flee in fear. Yet we also see people who run IN to help, which is inspiring, and something I spend a lot of time thinking about how to tap. People responding with empathy, care and support for one another in complete humanity. Maybe I’m just seeing it more because that’s my filter, yet it seems to me that the more we get pushed and tested, the more we’re supporting and stepping up rather than retreating or just protecting ourselves. For the first time it seems that the stories of people helping in this crisis are overshadowing the stories of shock. We’re becoming more resilient and more united in spirit.  There’s much work to do for this to translate into everyday empathy for one another in normal times, but let’s start here.

Impact…

Even though these incidents of crisis are happening more and more, I believe that the world can change with the choices we make and the ripples we cause toward good. A week ago, a very special project I’ve been involved with for the last two years about the possibility and coming together toward a world without hate, delivered its message to 10,0000 people at once at a ceremony in Birkenau, the biggest extermination camp of the Holocaust. It’s a project of light, hope and creating the world we want rather than staying stuck in the pattern of darkness we’ve had. As my partners and I watched it livestreamed from the other side of the world, it was an amazing moment which blew me away in significance, connection, pride and hope. We can create the world we believe is possible.

Significance…

In a few days, my oldest daughter will become a Bat Mitzvah.  This is a big deal, and signifies the end of a long, intense process for her and for our family. I’ve been immersed in big conversations daily with her about the meaning of life, her purpose and how we choose our paths… a lot for anyone to wrap their head around, let alone a thirteen year old with a coach like me for a mom. Yesterday’s events put a particularly focused point on our discussion about people and how every choice impacts so much more than we think.

Inspiration…

Finally, there’s this candle you see on the page. It’s a memorial candle sitting here next to me, and it’s lit because it’s the third anniversary of my dad’s death- his Yartzeit, as it’s called in my religion. People light these candles when someone dies, but also every year on a person’s Yartzeit-so today in the wake of Boston’s tragedy, it has even more meaning.  One of the ways I process, reflect and summon my energy is through running. Even before yesterday’s events, I knew that today’s run would be significant, with my dad fueling it. He was an avid runner who protected that time as his solo space to connect with himself and sort out the world. While I didn’t really get that or get into it until a few years ago, I now I hold that time as sacred much like he did, and he’s my inspiration for every run.  He used to say that running was his time to pray. Personally, I’ve never really been a big pray-er. I reflect, I think deeply about things, I have frequent moments of true spiritual connection, but not in the form of direct praying to God. And yet, without intending it, all week a little tune from my childhood has been playing in my head… It’s the Modeh Ani prayer, which we used to sing as kids and my dad loved. He sang it while he ran each morning. The translation: “I am thankful to God for allowing me to awaken to another day…” In the wake of this week, yesterday and what we’re all causing in the world with each choice, this couldn’t be any more meaningful.

Forward…

So today I started my run with tears.  I believe that tears are the literal overflow of emotions (any kind) that have hit or filled us so much that they need a spillway, so no surprise today, as gratitude, empathy, loss, inspiration and my dad both filled and fueled me.

My dad, who taught me to question everything, think and feel deeply about things, make impact in the world every day, come together with support when someone needs it and share what you’ve got to make a difference in the world…is present. If he were physically here, this week he’d pull us together into the kitchen for a family meeting in which he’d remind us about sticking together, supporting one another, reaching out to those who need it and being proud of what we’re able to impact, despite the circumstances.

And so we are…

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

More Space Than You Think

Everyone needs space, whether they know it or not. 

To think, to feel, to connect the dots… to be.  It doesn’t take very many clicks on Google or tweets in your feed to find someone’s take on the busy-ness and overstimulation of our lives and how to either maximize or manage it. Every day there are more options to get more input- through every medium, device and airwave possible.  If you’re not getting enough- well, that’s for another day. Most of us have no shortage of people around us all the time, either.  Whether you’re actually connecting with them in a meaningful way is something else to examine another time, to be sure. Meanwhile- there they are around you, pulling your attention. Despite where you fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum and how energized by people you are or not, you also need space and process to work through all that’s in your head, by yourself.

The challenge with all that input, all those people and the stimulation they’re giving you is that it’s not all going to turn itself off- it’ll keep coming, and it’s up to you to purposefully find some quiet space for yourself anyhow. Easier said than done. And why should we, right? How can learning or exploring more or connecting more be bad, right? I’m the biggest advocate there is for true, meaningful connection between people and creating more of it. Yet this is different…that constant buzz around you- can become an easy, justifiable addiction. It also can keep us from getting to true, pure personal clarity.

Yes- some people like to talk their way through ideas, learn with others and get big insights in a group. I’m a huge fan of team brainstorming and collaborative thinking, yet know that it only works well when balanced with solo time.

Most of my impact with people as their coach comes from something fairly simple, yet elusive for most… getting a vantage point or perspective on oneself, which brings clarity of a certain kind. I help people do that in lots of ways, yet one of the most powerful is just in creating clear space for someone to process their own experience- without an agenda or task other than  thinking/feeling through what’s there. It’s amazing to see how every time, insight and clarity into oneself, another or a situation occurs just with some space in which it can. While I love coaching and facilitating this process for people, you don’t need me or a coach to do it…

One of the most important differences between child and adult learners is when their big a-ha’s occur in learning. For kids, it happens right in the moment of learning (why they’re so much fun to teach), while adults have their a-has in reflection afterward.

Letting it marinate. Process time. When we don’t create space for this to occur, it all backs up in your head like your computer when it’s been running with all its applications open for too long.  At best it makes everything else run slower (like your thinking) and at worst, it’ll eventually crash (you know what this looks like for you)- neither good. As with all your devices, you’ve got to shut it all down and reboot to run clear and fast.

There are many ways to do this, and I challenge you to actually create some deliberate space in which you can just process and let your mind connect the dots- even for a brief reset. While of course vacations, daily meditation practices and retreats are great and healthy, THIS can be effective with even just 5 minutes at a time.  Do what appeals to you…

• Get out. Go for a walk, jog or run by yourself, without music  (and in a way that you don’t have to be preoccupied with breath or body)
• Just sit and look at something in nature (outside is best)
• Get some window time- for just looking and thinking.  My personal favorites are airplane windows.
• Journal. Whatever’s in your head, just capture in writing. It doesn’t have to be linear or fit a certain template. Mindmap, free-associate. To start…
• Draw. Not as a way to entertain yourself during something else (meeting, class, etc.) but as a way to empty out your head.
• Meditate right where you are. This can be formal or informal, the practice of clearing the mind.

Give yourself some real space like this, and you’ll notice a difference- guaranteed.  You’ll get some connections you otherwise wouldn’t.  You’ll create ideas that would’ve taken many more iterations to reach. You’ll solve questions you’ve struggled with for too long. With some practice, you’ll get some much-needed perspective on yourself, your questions and your answers.

And then there’s the space you don’t have to find or create, because you already have it. Built into your day, simply notice the several-moment windows you already have, and claim them as your own. Here are the easiest top three…

• Walk time.  Instead of talking on your phone or checking your screen as you walk, actually just think, eyes up and around. Even take the long route to your destination to give yourself a little extra process time.
• Shower time. There are fewer things more consistent or calming than warm water pounding down on you, creating a space between you and the rest of the world. Take advantage of that time to intentionally breathe the steam deeply and let your mind go.
• Drive/ride time. Rather than listen to your headphones/radio or talk on the phone, actually take the solo time you spend in the car/train/bike to just take in the landscape and listen to your own thoughts.

Fair warning- if you’re not accustomed to solo think time or creating that space for yourself, know that it might take some adapting to just learn how to be with your own thoughts, alone. If you’re averse to the idea, there might be some anxiety about what might come up in that space. That time to just be with your own thoughts can bubble up layers of feeling and insight you didn’t even know you had. This is where the clarity, the layers, the pulls on your energy are waiting for the space to get up and out…

It’s also where you get to work it all through, get to the best a-ha’s and finally get some peace in your quiet. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

A Little Light...

Light allows us to see the world in 3D, with contrast and full spectrum.

I did a sunrise run this morning- when I started it was fully dark, and as I ran the light increased. It was awesome to be physically moving through that progression, processing as I watched its layers.

Without light, there’s no focal point- no guide, no reliable way to orient, no depth perception.  Our eyes can be wide open, but literally can’t see form, color or dimension.  Other senses take over- noise distills into isolated sounds, physical sensations become navigational tools through heightened sensitivity.  I find this pretty cool, yet it’s easy to see why people are afraid of the dark.  It can be completely disorienting and definitely a bit freaky if you’re in unfamiliar territory (think Blair Witch Project). Our brains are programmed to search for the lightsource. A survival thing?  I wonder.

Of course I can’t help but think about the parallel in our thinking.  Often in coaching conversations people bring a topic, a challenge, a place in their thinking/feeling that they’ve been avoiding- because it’s been in the dark like that, and they don’t want to go there (but they know they should or need to).  While I’m definitely not a therapist, it’s pretty sobering to see what most of us carry around in our daily shadows, yet how easy it can be to illuminate them into a better place.

My natural role in both work and life seems to be the light-shiner, for lack of a better word.

It’s pretty amazing to see what a little light can actually do.

On my run, just the beginning of blue light in the sky made my (visual) focus steadier- from eyes scanning for a focal point, unable to lock in on anything, to fixed on the clear horizon- highlighted with contrast. While I still couldn’t see detail in the surroundings yet, that contrast changed everything. With a bit more light I could see form, color, detail.  Those things my mind had been trying to define and navigate in the dark were suddenly plain and familiar- no problem.

Getting comfortable with the dark, the brain can relax, the fear goes away.

I use dark, light and the contrast between, as people bring tough challenges they’re wrestling with to a coaching session.  “Let’s just go there for a minute…” I’ll say. So first we take the weirdness out of it- nothing to be afraid of- just create a safe space to first step into the dark, let your eyes adjust, and relax a little. We check out the “dark” option of a tough decision (“maybe I shouldn’t be in this job/place/deal/partnership, etc…”) and play it all the way out with no judgment- just to see. There’s almost always some instant relief for people, in just calling out what they didn’t even give themselves permission to look at before.

In the midst of darkness, a little bit of light provides a focal point.

Pretty quickly, we bring some light into it, to first give contrast and focus- a way to see what’s there. It doesn’t take much to get to full light on an issue- see it in context, dimensional relation to everything else, while we get all it’s detail and complexity up and out. Suddenly what was indistinguishable and daunting can get really clear- and not so daunting anymore.

Contrast clarifies and simplifies it.  After going all the way into the dark, things look much clearer back in the light.

I can't count how many times I’ve coached people through conversations where they started off with “maybe I should just quit” with fear and resignation in their voice, having never admitted this secret thought out loud before.  My response always is a version of, “maybe you should,” and they’re taken aback, because they’re expecting “no- you shouldn’t”- the coach urging them to stay in the light, in the game, where it’s safe and known. Instead we go there, explore it, and THEN shine the light on it, illuminating the rest of the issue and its adjacent options, too.

Context is key. 

On my run today, I was completely into it, and on a trusted, safe path of my suburban neighborhood (with a bit of light on the street here and there)- no problem.  But I kept my focus up and out into the dark, where I kept searching for horizon, as I always do.  The light came, as it always does.  Timing is everything.  I went out there conveniently just as the light was about to come. And those dark spots sometimes need exploring just in time for you to shine some light, see it all clearer, and with dimension you couldn't before. 

We all need to be okay being in the dark sometimes.  Yet sometimes we need a light-shiner to help the process along if the sun doesn’t seem to be coming up anytime soon. Make sure you’ve got some light sources in your life who can do this for you when you can’t.  

There’s power, energy, possibility and clarity in light- but even more when we can see the contrast.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

What's in the bag?

Check out the lower right of this picture I took this morning on my run.  See that brown paper bag under the tree?  That bag has been messing with me for weeks. What’s in it?  Will the owners of this house ever see it and handle it? 

I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt to say that they actually can’t see it from where they are or even as they pull into their driveway, even though all of us going by from the outside get to see it all the time (or maybe just me).  Or maybe they know it’s there, but choose to ignore it because it’s conveniently hidden from their view by the tree.  We all see it,  but because it’s really their issue to deal with, there it sits.

Poetic. And a metaphor, of course.

Every one of us has a bag like this in a way, don’t we?  Something right in our blind spot which the rest of the world has to look at and deal with every time they enter our world. Maybe it’s all neatly contained like whatever’s in this bag, or maybe it’s messy and all over the place, but there it is.

So.. what’s in the bag, and more importantly- do you have someone who can point yours out to you so you can take care of it?

Every day I run past this house and resist the urge to pick up that bag and move it to the middle of their driveway, where they’ll have to see it and take care of it.  That’s just who I am and how I am in people’s lives, a stand for them to take on what they need to take on, whether they can see it or not. Usually that’s a good thing. I actually count on and measure my friends by their commitment and ability to do the same for me (with love and/or pure intention, that is) because I’m painfully aware of how my perspective on myself will always be limited, no matter what, and I need the vantage point of others who get me.

I believe that we all need strategically placed people in our lives who can and will do this for us.  What might yours point out to you?

At this point, I’m not touching that bag, because I’m partially afraid that whatever’s in there is now rotten and will fall out the bottom if I try to mess with it. Also metaphoric, right? Let’s all commit to not letting it get that far with the people we care about. If you care and are actually committed to them, have the guts to be uncomfortable and point out “the bag” or whatever you know is in it.  Move it to the center of their metaphorical driveway if you need to.  And, as I’m doing more and more… ask the people you trust with the right insights, ability to be straight with you, and commitment to your growth what you’re not seeing in your own front yard (perhaps behind the tree).

If you don’t know anyone like that call me- I’m always up for it.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012